How to Miss an Open Goal

In recent years, my sports-watching on television has been largely limited to baseball, and more recently, soccer. After a regular diet of English Premier League, Champions League, and of course, the World Cup, I can fancy myself something of a connoisseur of goal-scoring. Furthermore, I can also claim to be an expert on the art of not scoring.

With goals being at a premium in most soccer games, the potential goals that are not scored loom as large as those that are scored. In many cases, of course, missing a goal is simply a matter of the keeper making the save, or when the offensive player simply isn’t able to convert a difficult chance.

Many times, though, the potential goal scorer has no one to blame but himself for missing. Those misses fall into many categories, but to an educated eye (such as mine), three particular types of misses stand out:

1. The Bendtner: When the player’s self-confidence exceeds his skill. In most cases, the result here is good work to get into a goal-scoring position, frequently with a good first touch, but after that, hilarity often ensues, usually in the form of a weak shot or a scuff. This could also be seen as the Dunning-Kruger effect, as applied to soccer.

Usage example – “That was a nice buildup, but then he Bendtnered it five yards wide of the post.”

2. The Carroll: Here, the striker, typically a large, awkward, yet hard-working and likable player, is undine by a first touch akin to an arthritic elephant being asked to tap-dance. Often as not, he fails to even get a shot off, such is the lack of technical skill.

Usage example – “Oh, dear. He put himself into a good position, but once the ball got to his feet, he did a Carroll and never even got the shot off.”

The Carroll is a descendant of the Heskey, wherein the striker, in addition to the aforementioned awkwardness, has the touch of a blacksmith.

3. The Torres: This is truly the most agonizing of misses to watch. The striker shows both great technical skill and a silky first touch, but somehow contrives to miss the goal. In many instances, the term ‘sitter’ applies, as in “He could’ve scored that one sitting down.”

Usage example – “JESUS CHRIST! How on earth could he have missed that? The goal at his mercy and the keeper beaten, and he put it over the bar! What a Torres!”

The beauty of these terms is that they can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adjective. Try it yourself.

However, please refrain from throwing your remote at the TV when one of these misses takes place.