Schumacher (verb)

In today’s Africa Cup of Nations match between defending champion Zambia and Ethiopia, the Ethiopia goalkeeper was sent off for an atrocious attempt to stop a Zambian goal-scoring chance.

In his minute-by-minute coverage of the match, Rob Smyth wrote “Jemal charges out of his area and almost Schumachers the onrushing Lungu, who lobs the ball wide just before the keeper sends him up in the air. That's a shocking tackle, studs up at chest height. Jemal has stayed down; I reckon he’ll be off here as soon as he gets up.”

“Schumachers”?

Yes. Using “Schumacher” as a verb is appropriate in this instance, as it harkens back to perhaps the most appalling incident in World Cup history:

(forward to about 2:05)

Patrick Battiston suffered a broken jaw and a concussion, and lost three teeth.

Here’s the shocking part. Not only was Schumacher not sent off, he was not even whistled for a foul. I repeat – he was not whistled for a foul.

That is the origin of "to Schumacher."

My Musical Taste Is Better Than Yours, Part One

Welcome to Tracy's House of Hits, the first installment of an (extremely) irregular feature where I pull an old 45 out of storage and try to recall the history behind it.

Since this is the first installment, it seems appropriate to start with the first 45 I bought. I know this is the first because of the little "1" sticker on the sleeve (clever, eh?). As this was released in early 1969, I would have been 8 years old when I bought it, probably at the local Rexall drug store.

I like to think my taste was always immaculate, but others may disagree. Particularly a certain Brooklynite.

Evil statisticians at work

An interesting, if lengthy, story in the forthcoming Sunday New York Times magazine about how those evil statisticians help Target and other companies market to their customers. (May be behind the subscription wall.)

I will point out, though, that despite all the information these companies have on me, I still get mail addressed to "Ms. Tracy Mohr."

Once again, I've failed at self-promotion

As this writing, the cat who spent about a minute on the field at last night Liverpool-Tottenham match has 28,071 followers on Twitter.

Liverpool's Anfield cat becomes Twitter star

That is 28,059 more followers than I have.

Clearly, I need to run onto a soccer field (or something similar) and act cute.

Charles Murray is Still Despicable

The great Roy Edroso has a post up about the latest load of crap excreted by Charles Murray, author of The Bell Curve, one of the most despicable books of recent years.

There's also a link to a quiz Murray has concocted that purports to assess the reader's isolation from Real America. You know, the land of NASCAR, American Idol, chain restaurants, and so forth.

The quiz itself is crap that would get an 'F' from any statistics instructor, but in the interest of science, I went ahead and took it. I scored a 30, which makes me "A first-generation upper-middle-class person with middle-class parents. Range: 11–80. Typical: 33"

My Chesterfield-smoking, Schlitz-drinking, high-school dropout father woulda been proud.

The Continuing State of Perplexity That Comes With Owning a Car

Apparently, it's possible to cut the power to your car by closing the glove compartment.

Exactly how this happened continues to puzzle me, but after a few minutes, I opened the hood and jiggled the battery cables. Presto, the power came back and the car started.

If it happens again, this may be my big chance to make it onto Car Talk.

How to Miss an Open Goal

In recent years, my sports-watching on television has been largely limited to baseball, and more recently, soccer. After a regular diet of English Premier League, Champions League, and of course, the World Cup, I can fancy myself something of a connoisseur of goal-scoring. Furthermore, I can also claim to be an expert on the art of not scoring.

With goals being at a premium in most soccer games, the potential goals that are not scored loom as large as those that are scored. In many cases, of course, missing a goal is simply a matter of the keeper making the save, or when the offensive player simply isn’t able to convert a difficult chance.

Many times, though, the potential goal scorer has no one to blame but himself for missing. Those misses fall into many categories, but to an educated eye (such as mine), three particular types of misses stand out:

1. The Bendtner: When the player’s self-confidence exceeds his skill. In most cases, the result here is good work to get into a goal-scoring position, frequently with a good first touch, but after that, hilarity often ensues, usually in the form of a weak shot or a scuff. This could also be seen as the Dunning-Kruger effect, as applied to soccer.

Usage example – “That was a nice buildup, but then he Bendtnered it five yards wide of the post.”

2. The Carroll: Here, the striker, typically a large, awkward, yet hard-working and likable player, is undine by a first touch akin to an arthritic elephant being asked to tap-dance. Often as not, he fails to even get a shot off, such is the lack of technical skill.

Usage example – “Oh, dear. He put himself into a good position, but once the ball got to his feet, he did a Carroll and never even got the shot off.”

The Carroll is a descendant of the Heskey, wherein the striker, in addition to the aforementioned awkwardness, has the touch of a blacksmith.

3. The Torres: This is truly the most agonizing of misses to watch. The striker shows both great technical skill and a silky first touch, but somehow contrives to miss the goal. In many instances, the term ‘sitter’ applies, as in “He could’ve scored that one sitting down.”

Usage example – “JESUS CHRIST! How on earth could he have missed that? The goal at his mercy and the keeper beaten, and he put it over the bar! What a Torres!”

The beauty of these terms is that they can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adjective. Try it yourself.

However, please refrain from throwing your remote at the TV when one of these misses takes place.